then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
Uh oh I Hage to dance yes, my feet are Whitney Houston
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
Everyone's impressed that I actually got pee all over his car since I'm a girl and they're a little curious..
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
she crossed my comfort zone...i thought i was a freak
said the guy with a pink sex swing...
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
I'm pretty sure he sprained my clit...
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