Need sex. Gaining weight.
I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
Something I can get at drive through, boobs out, don't want to get out of the car
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
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