I miss having pregnancy scares ....at least i knew i was having a good time
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
To give you an idea, there's a group upstairs trying to break down a door with their fists and heads.
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
