VAGINAS EVERYWHERE
they're staring at me
yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
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You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
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Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
I should not be so motivated by a penis, but I am
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
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