fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
why is allison so mad at me??
me and her walked into dans and you yelled "hello my dear alli, you're looking mighty overweight today!".
crap..
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
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I had his cock in my mouth and he still wouldn't shut up about Star Wars.
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
The only image of you you know is from reflections or pictures. Its 2d. But what other people see is 3d. How do you know that's your real face! MIND.BLOWN.
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
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Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
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