I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
It's like a mixture of two words
"town" and "Im too drunk to spell right now"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
I’d say they were worth it. He screamed “your tits are fanfuckingtastic!”while he was cumming
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
Randomize