I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
the girl in my class has a rolling backpack and just told it to stay. im too hungover for this.
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
I see your boobs were ready to greet the new year.
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
Randomize
