you would have Pina Colada flavored saliva.
Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
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