White wifebeaters are like orgies with fat people. Enjoyable in private, i'm sure, but in public: no thanksss.
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
i don't remember but I assumed it was bad when I woke up with directions from his house to mine already pulled up on my phone
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
Randomize
