No, I'm talking to this Chinese girl. Can't understand a word she's saying, but i think i caught the word vagina a few times.
she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
Hyyypothetically, what would you do if you happened to see my boobs on the internet?
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
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