I just found that girl ____ on facebook, her activities include "church nursery" yikes
My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
My ATM looks so different sober.
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
Step one go to argentina step two fuck bitches it's a simple plan really
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
Randomize
