Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
The beer is more important than you right now.
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
Security said no more parties of this kind. To me that translates to Theme party this weekend.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
So I totally had sex In a teepee last night at that wedding reception.
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
Randomize
