My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
I will read books by day and do guys by night. A mental and physical enlightenment, if you will.
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
Randomize
