idk hes just been lookin at me weird all night
he probably just wants to cut your skin off and wear you like a body suit
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
Let me tell you the story of bicurious george
I don't know if I'm feeling really nervous right now or just extremely horny.
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
I'm glad I can share my workout progress with you via my nudes
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Randomize
