"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
I a very close black and white picture of my slightly erect penis and I blew it up put it in an art gallery for a show coming up and somebody bought it for 30 Grand!!!
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