I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
Also, just saw a kid in a gorilla costume being questioned by a boardwalk cop. I love ocean city.
I'm getting very mixed reviews. One friend told me to stop drinking bc the last 3 times he's heard from me I've either peed my pants, been throwing up, or people have been having sex beside me.
Strangely enough I'm encouraging you to keep drinking for all the same reasons.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
There is no rule that you can't be in a room with more than one dick that's been inside you.
Randomize
