I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
We need to feng shui this bitch.
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