i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
is there any kind of "im boning my neighbor and he happens to be a manager at walmart" discount that our new relationship entitles me to??
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
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