The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
who's fault is it that she tells me today she is only 16 because i definately met her at the bar...
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
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I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
Let's just say a refrigerator got involved and after that I had to send him home.
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
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Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
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