I would have done the walk of shame but I couldnt walk
I don't know what's more sad: The fact that he fingered the side of my leg, or the fact that the side of my leg feels like a vagina.
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
todays sighting is titled: Bum taking pictures with an invisible camera.
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
Omg. I meet up with you guys with bodily fluids on my chin ONE time and suddenly I'm a whore.
Randomize
