Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
Randomize
