you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
i met a boy and i'm in lovvvvveeeeeeee and we're going to vegas and getting marrrrrriiiieeeeedddddd!
let's be honest with each other here, that's about the worst idea you've ever had. you need to walk this one off.
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
He's very cute and has a totally sit-able face.
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
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