I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
Dude... Hand job in the lake... It was as weird as it sounds.
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
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