Nice meating you last night
Not a typo
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
Well, ive pounded a baby into a stripper and a girl who was on jerry springer, a 16 year old is logically next.
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
Finally buying a camera. Missed out on recording a 3way last night. Hindsight. Ugh.
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
U can be a future sentaor's wife if you want. I'm happy with "closet lesbian", "tech prof".and "masters degree" all rolled into one. Drunken bar escapades pay off.
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
Randomize
