So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
I just googled the nutrition facts for a mcgriddle and yet I still want to go to mcdonalds
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
We had on the same team jersey so at the time it made sense to hook up.
Duh.
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
I've seen too many dicks in the past week. I can't do it anymore.
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
Randomize
