somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
Now that we both have boys can we make up games that objectify them as sex toys?
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
So much easier to puke and rally now that my gluten's under control
we are the apple cider girls!
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
Randomize
