I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
The last thing I remember is him grabbing my ass and telling me he knew where the jello shots were, so I followed him.
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
it's a drink the shower water kind of morning ...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Is this one of those "if you didnt give such good head we couldn't be friends" moments?
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
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