You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
The black hole just entered the party man, I can literally see guys starting to move towards her.
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
Hey, the point is, I have 3 guys to fuck to get over the last one. It's my golden rule. You told me to find a hobby! It translated as "find another guy".
That is the opposite way I told you to find a hobby.
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
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