i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
someone just puked in the library. they put up caution tape. i totally underestimated finals week.
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
We are possibly on our way, unless we see the limo full of strippers.
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
Randomize
