I just found out the guys at work had a bet as to who could sleep with me before i move away.
Who won?
All of them.
barbara walters just said penis...
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
I dont think that drinking by ourselves on a saturday night counts as being "fun alcoholics"
There's been so much talk around your vagina it's like a local celebrity
Of course it's dangerous. Why else would they hire us after we failed the drug test?
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
Dunno yet. Probably just gonna play the s.t.d. russian roulette game with random bartenders at the beach again. Same 'ol same 'ol
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
Randomize
