is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
He is full of southern hospitality and I want to be full of him.
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
Randomize
