if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
Yay Minnesota! I can't believe there's now a US Senator who has taken more acid than we have
A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
I'm a grown ass woman, I need to get fucked
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
Ended up at the strip club, got told I should be a dancer 4 times, got free tacos and my hot TA slide in the dms. How was your night?
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
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