Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
can you blame him?
i blame him for everything, HE GOT ME PREGNANT
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
Okay, just a casual question: how did i manage to get grass stains on the inside of my bra?
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
Randomize
