guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
Nick had a break down & said to me "Everybody's mad at me, I'm the douchebag, Im the fucking douchebag that everyone hates, Do you wanna come home with this douchebag?!"
You're going home with him aren't you?
I'll see ya in the morning when I leave his house
If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
do you remember the random banging on my door at 3 am wearing 2 budlight cases as a dress
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
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