I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
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