see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
I'm quite proud of this turning point from one night stands to giving some guy a BJ to fix my car for free.
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
I have acquired 14 pictures of hard dicks tonight... I was on a mission. Don't even pretend you aren't proud.
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
I masterbated to his instagram page. Too far or....?
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
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