My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
My mom just told me that after i turned eight i stopped growing mentally and emotionally
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
Girls at BYU need to learn how to handle a penis. I swear my date last night was trying to pull it off my body to use later.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
I've never had sex that lasts this long though. It's ridiculous. I feel like I need a Gatorade and a sweatband and a sub.
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
Randomize
