I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
all i need in life is blowjobs and white cheddar cheezits
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
Let's make an agreement. No drugs until you finish all your homework. I'm hiding them as we speak.
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
Randomize
