Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
is it bad that while shopping i looked specifically for clothes that hold their form after taking them off and putting them on again and again?
Let's just be mature adults about last night and never speak of it again.
He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
it was pretty much a given that i would lose my thong on dollar tequilla shot night
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
Randomize
