feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
I wonder what gingers are like in bed...as awkward as their hair or just as unique as it...?
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
Let's go free Charlie Sheen and party with him
I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Come down here. We are watching people walk through the paper we taped in front of the elevator.
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
what the fuck happened to the tacos
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
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