I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
She bet her virginity on the Celtics. Looks like Kobe wont be the only one breaking in a new ring.
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
The profile of her ass is just unreal. Weird way to use profile I know, but never more accurate
All he gave me was a sore vagina and film suggestions
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
Randomize
