Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
I already popped my bottle of Rose and took my boxers off. No can do muchacho
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
Randomize
