when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
you should be careful. everyone knows your chances of pregnancy increase by 100 percent when youre the daughter of a religious figure
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
Randomize
