i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
What ever happened to making out with a few boob grabs here and there?
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
I just watched the Dark knight, Maggie Gylennhaal looks like Katie Holmes after a stroke
My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
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