I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
i think i got so emotional from a mix of getting my period and slapping the bag like five times
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
Dont worry about getting me anything... Just put a bow on your ass.
Deal.
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
Randomize
