Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
Shots. Renamed a guy (he looked like a Scott to me), running, bloody Marys, walk to Safeway, donuts, ride home from someones husband, Nurse Jackie. FIN.
Based on the time of Sean's "I'm on your street" phone call last night, we had sex for an hour and a half. Man, time flies when you're getting boned to an orgasmic death.
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
just had sex in the back of my high school auditorium #dreamcumtrue
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