she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
Well, ive pounded a baby into a stripper and a girl who was on jerry springer, a 16 year old is logically next.
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
we made out inside of a kiddie slide for about 20 mins. it was the sexiest, most suffocating experience I've ever had
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
Randomize
