why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
well at least now you can say you got an STD from the frontman of a band no one's heard of
fuck you.
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
Randomize
