Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
Nothing like studying in the College of Communication to make you realize how smart you are.
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
Given everything we have talked about, is it wrong to ask you to be faithful to me, despite still dating him?
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
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