he kept refering to his penis as the "eternal sunshine"
then we talked for a little and he asked my last name which since I have yet to get a fb request I'm 95% sure its for a restraining order
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
barely 48 hours and I've done the dirty on both of my roommates beds before they've even slept in them
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
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