Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
Best idea ever: Giving hobos a beer and having a chugging contest to win another beer. Most fun I have had downtown in a while.
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you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
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He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
I haven't even lived here for 24 hours yet, and I've already banged someone. My new hoe life is off to a great start.
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