the nicest thing hes ever said to me is give me head.......please
I learned nothing from that class except drinking and chemistry go together great.
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
I'm going to try to ignore the homoerotic subtext in that last question...
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
Randomize
