just heard some guy walking down the street say "butt sex in the sun"
go get him tiger.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
seeing an 80 year old woman puke in the bushes changes everything...
that's spring break in florida for ya
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
The silhouette of his dick looked like an eagle. Amurrican.
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
Let the clothes fall where they may.
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