oh there is nothing like the 1st beerbong of the school year
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
just to let ya know we might have to take a stripper snowboardin sometime
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
im tired of guys just wanting to hook up with me. im like, guys, i know im pretty and i have a slammin bod and i love making out, but cant someone treat me with respect??
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
Randomize
