I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
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