Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
There's three frat guys comparing how you were in bed. apparently you have gotten worse with time
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
Just slept with a female bodybuilder. not cute. but it was like fucking hulk hogan with a twat. Beastly.
im so disgusted with myself. funny thing was i lasted 15 seconds. she benches 325
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
I also witnessed that same parrot perched on the head of a man grinding with a girl.
Interesting. As a girl I don't know how okay I would be with that.
She seemed pretty into it.
Can we just talk about how awesome I am. I just slept with a new guy while listening to the previous guys bands cd.
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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