my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
having my hair in braids makes puking so easy. i am being an indian every halloween
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
Your amazing boobs made me fall in love with boobs. I never cared about boobs you should be proud
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
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