She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
him crossdressing on the weekends is awkward but not a deal breaker for me.
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
Randomize
