she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
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