When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
Mid thrust he tells me that we have bio together
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
now were playing what girl doesnt belong in the picture of girls in bikinis.
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
I have photo proof.
Girl, don't care. What's my rule? If I don't remember it, it never happened.
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
Randomize
