i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
The guy in front of me in Sociology is definitely working on my farm in farmville. Never met him before. Do I thank him?
i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
Bryan's allergic to that cheap detergent, so he's been naked for three days. But we're all used to it now, so the party is still on.
What good is being a girl if you can't terrorize boys with pregnancy scares??
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
Randomize
