i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
i lost his rear view mirror, your phone charger, and my lesbian virginity. 21 isn't shaping up too well so far.
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
Your amazing boobs made me fall in love with boobs. I never cared about boobs you should be proud
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Randomize
