My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
He yelled IN THE FACE!! while cumming on my face.
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
I was ready to fuck him until he pulled the "I might be bi curious" card. Now its turned into a guilt fuck. It's like he's a 3rd world child in need of a sexual orientation.
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
Omg the world wants us to be better people
I refuse
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
So much for no-infidelity-fridays....
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
Randomize
